Cancer Recovery
- NoName Gallery
- 4 days ago
- 7 min read
monday march 30th
~ 11 days post op and I feel really good today. I woke up to my nipple leaking some bloody pussy stuff (yeah we're just going to dive in), but the nurse came this morning and cleaned it up. We're monitoring it. It's most likely a small infection. I'm already taking preemtive antibiotics so they may just switch my meds a little. In lighter news, the nurse took my left drain out. The right one is still in because I had to have 2 surgeries ...
Surgery Day
I had a 12:30pm call time so I cried most of the morning. It wasn't even about losing my breasts, but more about being scared of getting cut open. Just writing it makes my armpits sweat. The visual I have in my head of myself laying on an operating table is what makes me sad. My body wasn't able to balance its hormones out enough, so it has to lay there lifeless while people open me up and legit scoop my chest tissue out. So I cried a lot all morning. When we got to the hospital. While I waited to be called back. As I changed my clothes. As the nurses asked me if I needed more warm blankets. I cried.
Marc and my best friend Arianne were with me. Right before they took me back Ari came in and I cried in her arms. The last time I remember crying like that was when I found out my mom had passed. I was working at a restaurant (RIP Jansen) and I fell into my manager Zach's arms and just cried. It was the same cry.
Anyway ...
The anesthesiologist asked me "are you ready for your martini?" ... Well yes ... yes I am! A little something before the propofol to relax me. Her question was the last thing I remember. Ari told me I was smiling and shouting "I'M GOING TO TALK TO EVERYONE ABOUT MUSIC WHILE I'M HERE!"
You're not shocked by that are you?
O and speaking of music, Ari sent me this J. Period mix this morning.
Enjoy!
I woke up after surgery and it's exactly what you'd expect, pain and grogginess. So I have these "tissue expanders" in my chest right now. They're holding space for the implants that will come in a few months. I'll have to go to the Dr. every week for them to inject air into my boobs which then go into the expanders. Do I want a full B? Perhaps a nice perky C cup like when I was in my 20s? I have options because I can tell them when to stop putting air in or when to take some out.
~An added benefit to this whole shit show~
When I looked down at my chest for the first time, everything looked kinda normal. Smaller, but normal and I was able to keep both of my nipples. I asked for a shot of the good drugs, dove into my pineapple and passion fruit that my bestie chopped up for me and turned on my old favorite, Bravo TV. I'm going to be honest: it's a nice feeling sitting in a hospital as they're pumping you with morphine and you get to eat sweets and watch reality tv. Don't knock it until you've tried it.
In the middle of the night, my nurse Johnathan came in to empty my drains. When he was doing my right boob, something felt like it popped and it hurt. A few minutes later I started sweating. Like .... REALLY SWEATING. Then the uncontrollable shaking started. All of the nurses on the floor came in. Machines were beeping. "HER BP IS DROPPING!" I heard someone shout. Soon after I shouted "AM I GOING TO DIE???!". No ... no one died ... they said it was hematoma and I was bleeding inside my breast. When I woke up my surgeon was there and told me that a blood vessel hadn't closed or something which caused the bleeding. I stayed over night and left around 3pm on Friday March 20th.
tuesday march 31st
~12 days post op and I feel better today than I did yesterday. The first week at home was challenging. These damn drains are the worst (I still currently have the right one in) because the mental thought of something hanging out of my body as my own blood trickles into it, weirds me out. They also gave me this nipple cream to produce blood flow but that made me projectile vomit all night, which wasn't fun so I had to stop the cream.
The pain is more of a discomforting, burning feeling than actual throbbing pain. Which leads me to the meds. The oxys they hand you that my brain receptors just LOVE. I spent 10 years chasing the high of a percocet so anytime I have a surgery and they'll be pain afterwards ... I tend to worry. But I'm not sure why I worry anymore. I have such a beautiful blessed life, that even thinking about going back to having a drug run my days, makes me want to vomit.
15 oxy 5mg to take every 4 hours or as needed
Are we really going to give a past addict heroin in pill form and tell them to take it as needed? Yup. The plot twist is that it's my responsibility to know when to take them, or not. As needed for me meant one in the morning and one at night since that's when the burning sensation was at it's worse. The 15 oxys lasted a little over a week for me and guess what? During the final 2 days, when the oxys wore off ... my lower back would hurt. Lower back pain was my withdrawal sign. When I was using, I knew I needed to find more pills because my lower back pain was a sign that the sweating and diarrhea weren't far behind. So I'm not sure who needs to hear this but day 5 of taking the lowest dose of oxys, only twice a day, your body will start to slowly become addicted.
A Funny Story
During my oxy moments, I sent an email to a reality show celeb. Caroline Manzo from the Housewives of New Jersey. She had a spin off show with her family and I decided to watch all 3 seasons as the start of my recovery. By the end of the 3rd season I was IN TEARS (happy ones) because the Manzos seem to have such a solid family unit. They vacation together, they communicate with one another, they help each other out and they stick together. As an only child of a single parent who fought with all of her family members ... I always tend to fall in love with strong family dynamics. Which means drugs + a vulnerable time = I may send an emotional email out. Hopefully she smiles when she reads it and doesn't think I'm a weirdo.
wednesday april 1st
I feel more like me today. I have to remind myself that I'm still recovering. Not even 2 weeks out of surgery so "Jonene slow down" is ever apparent in my head. Yesterday I did too much. Ari came by and took me to run some errands and it's not the walking that's the issue, it's the normalcies of life. Certain things like : laughing too hard, dropping your phone and jolting to get it, a kid running in front of you so you stop suddenly ... cause you to tense up your chest muscles and yes ... it burns. I had no idea I used my chest for so much.
Marc & My Community
I've always felt alone and I think I always will. I didn't have parents who nurtured me and so I think I've just formed such a hard shell, that feeling alone is just my baseline. Going through this process has made me feel the closest to having a family. Don't get me wrong, I've had a couple family type relationships simply because I was in a relationship with a man and his loving family was part of the package. I'll forever be grateful for them but once the breakup occurs ... the family kind of goes away as well.
Marc is the first man to ever nurture me. Arianne, Tereze and Marc. My 2 best friends and my current boyfriend have really been the only people in my life who have ever had the emotional intelligence to nurture me how I needed it. Marc has been my rock. Present at every doctor appointment, texting and communicating with a lot of you reading this. Stripping my drains and emptying the blood from them. Helping me wash my hair in the shower. Drying me off afterwards. It's all quite humbling because again ... no one has cared for me like this. He's literally the best man in the world for me and I'm blessed that he's in my life.
You guys. YOU GUYS. Between the texts, visits, donations, gift cards and food deliveries ... WOW. My 11 year old inner child who always feels alone, feels like she belongs and is well loved. I haven't "needed" for anything. People have sent me things I didn't even know I needed. They're little things that are making this journey easier. I'm grateful. So, so grateful.
Ok ... that's it for me. I deleted the instagram app off of my phone a few weeks ago for some peace of mind. I like it. I have no idea what's going on and it feels nice. A few friends will text me important news - like Amanda and West from Summer House. I CANNOT with this. #justiceforciara - but other than that, I have no idea. I've noticed how much I pick up my phone just to check instagram and for what? The dopamine hit basically.
Today I plan on posting from my computer to let you guys know about this blog post. I hope it works ;)
I also plan on stopping by the gallery this First Friday, April 3rd for a little so maybe I'll see you soon!
Love you mean it,
Jonene
xo
Jonene, you are an amazing woman. An amazing warrior too! Hope to hobble to the store to see you soon. You are not alone.